Women’s revenge

He said to me . … . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it
I said to him …. . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me … . ………. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ….. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said….What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me…. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge

Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead

Marriage rules

Other 20 Tips for ‘Proper’ English – Part II

21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don’t never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!! Ever!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb.
40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

20 Tips for ‘Proper’ English

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. Or as bad as blank lines.

13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.

911 Calls

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller :  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller :  No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:   I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:  No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.  Darn…..I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:   I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No, I’m a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police.

Interesting choice of words

Nice T-shirt

(Almost) Funny Easter Jokes

These ones are to be told at lunch table on Easter’s sunday! If nobody laughs you can always say they don’t know English as weel as you do! (But if you are denied dessert, don’t put the blame on me!)

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? Because he was eggo-centric!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits’ feet

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

How do you post a bunny? Hare mail

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? Happy Easter